starting anew

So I haven’t been back here for weeks now (surprise, surprise). It has just been really crazy on my side of the earth.

As most may now know, I have resigned from my current job and will be transferring to another company by November 14. This was truly unexpected. I have thought of leaving for about more times than I can count but I’ve never acted on it primarily because I was scared. But I guess somebody up there had other plans. The opportunity landed on my lap and I grabbed it like I’ve never grabbed anything before, and yes it paid off, yippee. :)

I have about three weeks left with my current company and I must admit leaving is kind of bittersweet. It’s definitely not easy leaving something that has been ingrained into your system for the past four years but hey, we all have to move on at some point and I guess this is my time. I’m scared about starting anew but I just feel it’s really time for me to move on.

James is now on his last week (yes he resigned as well). He’ll be starting his food business as soon as we get the money from his insurance. As much as I am nervous about the whole risk aspect, I am so excited for him. His dreams are slowly coming into reality and for that I am extremely ecstatic for him. :)

on the cancer front: Mama is doing well. Yey! It’s a bit tough at times, especially with the weekly chemo sessions, but our main goal is to get through this and I believe we will. We are on the road to recovery and yes, we will get through this. Cancer begone! I am a little worried about the finances though, but I am praying the Lord will provide. haay.

rambling on and on

It has been a crazy few weeks. Work was hectic, home life was busy and my social life? well, let's just say it doesnt exist. I need a vacation. STAT. (December, my love, why are you still so far away? waaah.)

Chemo Update: we're done with the first part of the chemo (yey!). now the second part entails weekly chemo sessions and another set of meds. I have to admit I'm a little bit scared of this. Chemo every three weeks was intense enough as it is, now chemo every week? sigh.

On to some work news: James is still adamant on resigning. I dont have any problems with that naman, my only condition was he starts the preparations while he is still working. So far we're well over our heads with the preps. yikes. hopefully in a couple of weeks, he'll be able to tender his resignation na. excited and scared much. :P

As for me? It has been 4 years since I entered the company. 4 FREAKING YEARS. Can't believe it. Seriously where did the time go? I have been thinking about this and I think I narrowed it down to two possibilities. One, I'm so happy with my job I hardly noticed the time flew by. Two, I'm just plain old apathetic with my work life. Hmm. let me get back to you on that. 

Tomorrow, we're going to the Manila International Bookfair. I'm so excited I have been unable to sleep for days. hahaha. OA. I love, love, LOVE books and it has been a while since I've actually held one. I have been into ebooks for quite some time now, but the thing is, nothing really beats holding a solid book. Let's just hope my wallet doesnt cry aftewards. hahaha. :)

Will post my loot soon! :)

curveball

whew. I have barely gotten over the last one and yet I am about to be faced by another one. James is gonna resign from his job. The decision is made, I can't do anything about it. 

On one hand, I feel so bad for him cause I really saw that he did try his heart out it's just that maybe he really is not the office type of guy. He's more into labor intensive work, which is really hard to come by in this country. I also think he has the guts and the heart for business, which I dont have. I'm not a risk taker, which is a main requirement in starting a business. 

On the other hand, like I said I am afraid of taking risks and resigning from a job without even a concrete plan on what to do next is a huge, gargantuan risk for me. It's scary, to say the least. 

I am sooo tempted to demand James not to resign but it really breaks my heart every time I see him down and out just because his job makes him feels so inadequate. I dont think anyone should suffer that much, at least not somebody I love to bits. Plus as I said he has the heart for business, so who knows maybe he'll get his long-awaited success in that area. 

James is a brilliant, brilliant man. He's very smart, he comes up with great ideas plus he's very nice to people (generally. LOL.) He wont admit it, but he has the heart of a teddy bear. He would seem rough and tough on the outside but his heart easily melts. We "discuss" a lot because we are both so opinionated and we're always seem to be on opposite ends. It irritates me but every time we "discuss" I would always end up amazed at how he looks at things. It's so different from mine. (please dont tell him I said that. hahaha). 

His brains, his heart plus his risk-taking, i-am-not-scared-of-anything attitude I think would make a good businessman. And as my mama said it's the best time to take risks. We're still young, we don't have kids yet, so basically the only thing we have to lose is our pride and our money. Money, we can eventually earn again and as for pride? Everybody needs a good fall every now and then. That's what makes us human. That's what makes us appreciate the life that we have.

So anyway, as scared as I am, I am determined to support him in whatever he wants to do. It's his turn. He humored me by trying to work in an office, I think it's about time I give in to what he feels he wants. 

Dear Lord, please help me find the strength, the patience and most importantly the faith to be able to get through this. 

Hon, if in case you'll come across this post, (which I highly doubt), I just wanted to say I love you so much and I believe in you with every single cell in my body. Let's do this.

The Big C

So Mama has Cancer. Yes, CANCER. The Big C, CA. We were first told it was Stage 0, then after the mastectomy they found another cyst, which turned out to be Stage 1 then it turns out you have to add the sizes of both cysts (which the surgeon, I suppose, forgot to do) and now she's Stage IIA. Crazy, I know.

I cant speak for the rest of my family but it has been especially hard for me. I've been putting up a front with everybody, laughing, making jokes, etc but once in a while I would just burst into tears (like now). I try to busy myself with cooking, working and taking care of some stuff around the house but this whole thing haunts the rest of my waking, even sleeping hours.

It amazes me how Mama is so calm about this. From the diagnosis, to the mastectomy to the announcement that she's actually has Stage IIA cancer, she has been very strong and calm. Me? Well I'm a big bucket of nerves and tears. Thank God for James who tries to keep me strong and pushes me to have faith that all will be well. 

I try to keep a positive outlook but there are times when I just want to curl up into a ball and just cry the days and nights away. Not that it would help, but sometimes I feel like I just want to vanish, to escape. I just want things to be back to normal so badly, it really really hurts. 

This Friday we're starting chemo. Again I am scared to bits but I just keep on telling myself if Mama can be strong, why can't I? I draw my strength from her and from the rest of my family and friends. I have to do this. Scratch that. I CAN DO THIS. WE CAN DO THIS.

yet another Big Red visit

another day of disappointment. yep, got the Big Red again today. sigh. my resolve to be positive and strong all flew out the window. i wanted to cry my heart out and ask why over and over and over again. i wanted to scream, lock myself in my room and never go out.

ugh. i feel so useless, so inadequate. i want to forget, but i cant. i want to break free from the pressure, but for some stupid reason i keep getting trapped in my own stressful and worry-filled world.

why cant i be positive or at the very least, be happy with what i have right now? i have a job that pays well. i can buy my basic necessities and at the same time i have the ability to indulge once in a while. i have parents who love me for me and who i actually enjoy spending time with.

best of all, i have a husband who can make me laugh at any given time and actually tolerates my mood swings (okay, he does flip out sometimes, but more often than not, he just accepts it.) a husband who hugged me then said: "we still have time, dont worry." sigh. i have practically everything i want in life, all except for THAT.

see, now i feel even worse. i have all these in my life, yet i am complaining? a huge part of me is screaming: "just be grateful, stupid!" but a tiny part is whispering: "but i really, really want one already."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

curveball

I didn't see this coming. seriously.

For almost three years now, the whole game plan was after getting married, Maan moves to Japan. period. no ifs, no buts. it was crystal clear from the get go. I understood it, my family understood it, I even told my boss to expect it. That’s how sure I was that I was leaving Manila. But I guess somebody up there decided to throw us a curveball.

I really did not think this was one of our options. I asked James because my mom wanted me to, but never in a million years did I ever think he would actually consider it, much less say yes. And yet here we are, up to our noses with information about rice and mills and pigs and feeds. It’s all so crazy. My whole world has turned upside down in a matter of days. We have yet to make final plans but from what I can see, James is leaning towards taking this option instead.

Half of me is happy and excited but the other half is scared to bits. I know my family would jump for joy should we choose to stay here in Manila, on the other hand this is definitely a huge, GIGANTIC risk: starting from scratch, building a business from the ground up, a business we didn't even think we’d actually want, and that’s insanely scary. No, it’s not because I dont have faith in James, I know he’ll be great at it. He has the entrepreneur mojo, that much I am sure of.

It’s this whole “this is not part of our life plan” thing that drives me insane. Okay, I’ll go ahead and admit it: I am the biggest control freak in this side of the metro. I’m all for surprises, but something this huge scares the heck out of me.

I asked James if he’s at all scared and he said: “no.” I asked why and he answered: “dyan ako tatanda e..” that made me smile and feel much, much better. :)

he also shared this with me:

“ your decisions are always right if you're brave enough to face it's consequences..”

sigh. why does he always make sense every time I feel like I’m not making any? and why in heavens does he have more faith in me than I do with myself?

a silent prayer

Dear Lord,

I know I have not been the most obedient follower. I have not been praying as much and no one is to blame but me. You have blessed me and my family so much over the years and I should have been more grateful.

After all the blessings and especially after I have not been in touch with my faith for the longest time, I am ashamed to ask more from you. But right now I have no one else to turn to but you and I’m not sure I can do this alone.

I’m not sure what I should feel. I’m scared yet everybody keeps telling me I should not be. But there are just so many what ifs going through my head right not that it’s hard not to be scared.

Please remove fear from my head and replace it with a renewed peace of my mind.
Should there be further challenges ahead of me, ahead of us, please provide me with the strength to go through each and everyone of them as well as the faith to know that all things will come in your given time.

Thank you. That in all things, God May Be Glorified!

Maan

3 am ramblings

My self-imposed consultation to an OB is nearing and I am getting really antsy. I’m scared as hell.

What if they tell me I dont get to have kids? Just the thought of having to explain that to everybody is something I cannot even wrap my head around in. Not to mention the thought  or even the reality of being a failure and incomplete.

I am harder on myself than anybody else. I tend to beat myself up for every little failure or embarrassment. If the doctors tell me I dont have the capacity to bear a child, how bigger a failure can I possibly get?

Last week one of my cousins had a baby and I know you’re supposed to be happy and all but I was really envious. It’s wrong, not to mention pathetic but I can’t help it. Everytime I see a kid or I hear somebody gets pregnant, I get greener than the Hulk. It doesnt help that we can’t even try to have kids because James is not here.

Nobody understands. Nobody. They all think I’m nuts and that adds salt to the wounds. I try to play it cool, but deep inside, I cry and I ache.

Sometimes I wish somebody would just get me, understand my feelings and my thoughts, hug me tight and tell me everything is gonna be alright. Even if I probably wont believe them, just the thought that somebody cares that much, would be really great.

scared to death

I’ve shared this to only about a couple of my friends and James, of course. I’m scared, scared to death. For the longest time, even before James and I decided to get married, I have this nagging feeling that I wont be able to bear kids.

No, I have not had irregular periods, well except for a 1 or 2-month delay about once a year, nor have I experienced dysmenorrhea or any pain during my period. I’m not sure if this is paranoia talking or maybe I really should get myself checked, which is another thing I am super super scared of. Waaah.

Now that James and I are married I keep getting questions like: “so are you pregnant na?”, when are you having kids?”, “di ka pa buntis?”, etc. Most of the time I just smile but inside I am actually close to tears. I am uber sensitive about pregnancy stuff that I really, really try to stay away from them. Sadly, because I am a newlywed, I can’t.

If it were up to me, James and I would be trying to have kids right now. But my responsible husband is saying we should at least be financially stable first, which I must admit makes a lot of sense. Besides he’s in Japan, so definitely no kids for this year. I’m not even sure I can get checked without him, I mean I’ve read several forums where the wives say the husbands go through a whole series of tests as well, so I’m torn between going to the doctor alone, besides, as I said I am really really scared of doctors. Sigh.

To be honest, I’ve been trying to avoid going to social gatherings out of fear that somebody will ask me the baby question. Note to people (although probably no one gets to read my posts anyway): please don’t ask me pregnancy stuff cause I get really depressed right after. I promise I’ll at least get a consultation with an OB, just to see if something is wrong with me. I swear, really. Well, okay not this month, maybe next month?