My self-imposed consultation to an OB is nearing and I am getting really antsy. I’m scared as hell.
What if they tell me I dont get to have kids? Just the thought of having to explain that to everybody is something I cannot even wrap my head around in. Not to mention the thought or even the reality of being a failure and incomplete.
I am harder on myself than anybody else. I tend to beat myself up for every little failure or embarrassment. If the doctors tell me I dont have the capacity to bear a child, how bigger a failure can I possibly get?
Last week one of my cousins had a baby and I know you’re supposed to be happy and all but I was really envious. It’s wrong, not to mention pathetic but I can’t help it. Everytime I see a kid or I hear somebody gets pregnant, I get greener than the Hulk. It doesnt help that we can’t even try to have kids because James is not here.
Nobody understands. Nobody. They all think I’m nuts and that adds salt to the wounds. I try to play it cool, but deep inside, I cry and I ache.
Sometimes I wish somebody would just get me, understand my feelings and my thoughts, hug me tight and tell me everything is gonna be alright. Even if I probably wont believe them, just the thought that somebody cares that much, would be really great.
