I woke up from this dream that James came back and we were finally together again. I cried. I cried really hard.
I dont know how long I can keep this up, how long I can pretend. I have been putting on a happy face for people who keep asking me how it is being married yet away from your husband. I have always said it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m used to it, whatever.
Truth is, I’m not. I’m scared, I’m sad, I’m all sorts of things and I’m definitely not happy. I try to occupy my time with work and workouts and TV and books, but that’s just it. I feel like an empty shell with no purpose or direction.
I keep telling myself that all is gonna be fine and that time will come that we wont have to deal with this whole long distance thing, but there are days when I feel like I am lying to myself. I dont know when I’m gonna get used to this set up, heck I dont even know IF I’m gonna get used to this set up.
Most of the time I feel envious of newly married couples that have begun to start their lives together. Sometimes I feel cheated of my “newlywed year”. I would love to try and start having kids, I would love for us to look at houses or take trips together, or even go grocery shopping together. Simple things that married people do.
Instead I’m back at my room, doing things I’ve done for years, trapped in a job I dont even like anymore, all because he has to work there and I have to stay here.
sucks. BIG TIME.
