trust.

 

The best way to find out if

you can trust

somebody is to actually

trust them.

 

venting out.

I dont like confrontations. I dont like asking questions. I am perfectly happy being incognito. So why the heck does this always happen to me? Why am I always involved in situations where I would have to actually talk to someone. aargh, I hate this. I absolutely freakin’ hate this!

please make this easy on me. please.

oh and another thing, please give me more patience for the people around me. I dont need jokes being told at my expense or people blaming me for something I didnt even want in the first place.

I just need somebody who will tell me: “it’s okay. everything is going to be all right.” that’s it.

please, seriously.

thinking out loud..

I’m a homebody. I never really liked going out, I have never really been a party person or somebody who likes to travel all the time. I’m more of the stay-at-home-all-the-time-reading-all-the books-I-want kind of person.

But lately seeing my Facebook friends post pictures of the things they have been doing got me thinking about how full my life is. Am I missing a lot just because I prefer to stay at home with my TV and books?

I know life has so much to offer and I wonder if it’s about time I go out and see for myself what the world has been doing while I lock myself up in my room. Maybe it’s about time that I expand my horizons and try to do more stuff.

Lately I’ve been doing more and more stuff like working out and going grocery shopping, stuff I never thought I had the time to do. I have always felt I was too  busy to do these mundane things, turns I’m not.

The past couple of weeks that I have been doing all these stuff got me thinking about what else I can do, where else I can go. Or am I trying to do this all too fast? Maybe I should pace myself for a while, not that I have the patience for it. LOL.

hmm. I think I need a little more time to think.

a confession.

I woke up from this dream that James came back and we were finally together again. I cried. I cried really hard.

I dont know how long I can keep this up, how long I can pretend. I have been putting on a happy face for people who keep asking me how it is being married yet away from your husband. I have always said it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m used to it, whatever.

Truth is, I’m not. I’m scared, I’m sad, I’m all sorts of things and I’m definitely not happy. I try to occupy my time with work and workouts and TV and books, but that’s just it. I feel like an empty shell with no purpose or direction.

I keep telling myself that all is gonna be fine and that time will come that we wont have to deal with this whole long distance thing, but there are days when I feel like I am lying to myself. I dont know when I’m gonna get used to this set up, heck I dont even know IF I’m gonna get used to this set up.

Most of the time I feel envious of newly married couples that have begun to start their lives together. Sometimes I feel cheated of my “newlywed year”. I would love to try and start having kids, I would love for us to look at houses or take trips together, or even go grocery shopping together. Simple things that married people do.

Instead I’m back at my room, doing things I’ve done for years, trapped in a job I dont even like anymore, all because he has to work there and I have to stay here.

sucks. BIG TIME.

just because..

got James a tiny surprise. :) i only realized it was our fourth month being married when I took the pictures.. :)

     

50 Things She Wishes You Knew

came across this article in yahoo.  it’s funny but I could only relate to a few (while some were not so PG, so I stayed away from them. hahaha.):

You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

"Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.  (LOL!)

I expect you to call me.

I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (not all the time though. haha.)

When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways.

You look hot in hooded clothing items.

I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.

I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

here’s the whole article, for those interested.  :)

scared to death

I’ve shared this to only about a couple of my friends and James, of course. I’m scared, scared to death. For the longest time, even before James and I decided to get married, I have this nagging feeling that I wont be able to bear kids.

No, I have not had irregular periods, well except for a 1 or 2-month delay about once a year, nor have I experienced dysmenorrhea or any pain during my period. I’m not sure if this is paranoia talking or maybe I really should get myself checked, which is another thing I am super super scared of. Waaah.

Now that James and I are married I keep getting questions like: “so are you pregnant na?”, when are you having kids?”, “di ka pa buntis?”, etc. Most of the time I just smile but inside I am actually close to tears. I am uber sensitive about pregnancy stuff that I really, really try to stay away from them. Sadly, because I am a newlywed, I can’t.

If it were up to me, James and I would be trying to have kids right now. But my responsible husband is saying we should at least be financially stable first, which I must admit makes a lot of sense. Besides he’s in Japan, so definitely no kids for this year. I’m not even sure I can get checked without him, I mean I’ve read several forums where the wives say the husbands go through a whole series of tests as well, so I’m torn between going to the doctor alone, besides, as I said I am really really scared of doctors. Sigh.

To be honest, I’ve been trying to avoid going to social gatherings out of fear that somebody will ask me the baby question. Note to people (although probably no one gets to read my posts anyway): please don’t ask me pregnancy stuff cause I get really depressed right after. I promise I’ll at least get a consultation with an OB, just to see if something is wrong with me. I swear, really. Well, okay not this month, maybe next month?

on cheating

Spent most of the day reading about wives and girlfriends finding out that their partners have been cheating on them. Man, it was so heartbreaking to read their stories, and to think I dont even know them.

James and I never had a problem about cheating, well except for a phonecall I got from this girl about two or three years ago saying my then boyfriend, now husband, was seeing another girl in Japan and that he told her he would leave me for her. I still dont know what made her do that and I dont even know who she is until today. Besides, she didnt want to tell me who she was and in my book that in itself is doubtful.

I'm not sure how I will react when confronted with this situation. Will I be catatonic with pain? Will I lash out? Will I leave him? So many questions with no answers, crossing my fingers and my toes that I dont get to find out the answers.

-
to all those who have been cheated on:
never ever blame yourself. it is always the cheater who is at fault, no matter what his reasons are. cheating is inexcusable. period. you deserve better.

to those who cheat:
at least have the decency to tell your spouse or your significant other the truth. no matter which side you look at, what you did was wrong. period. you had the guts to cheat? then have the balls to admit it.

to those who knowingly engage into affairs with married people or even those who are not yet married but in a relationship:
i pity you. seriously. whether it was out of love or lust or money, what you are doing is wrong and will always be wrong. get a life. get your own life!

plans changed

I just found out today that I wont be able to go to Japan soon. We just computed our earnings and it wont be enough for me to be able to relocate there. It's sad cause I really really miss James but I guess it's all for the best. Everything happens for a reason.

--
crossing my fingers that some things will change and I'll still be able to go. sigh.