on a rainy Sunday

it's been raining the past few days and I love, LOVE it! :) Rain makes me really, really happy.. :)

image from fun4friends.net

I've said this about a million times, I dont really know but the rain just lifts my spirits. so yey for that! :)

on the CA (cancer) front, we've been doing well, I think. Mama just had her second chemo session. We switched to a smaller hospital and I think it's one of the best decisions ever! Why?

1. hospital fees are cheaper (FACT: we didnt pay a single cent because it was covered by Philhealth)

2. the doctor's PF was lower, like thousands lower.

3. the people there were super nice! (well except for the masungit billing ladies but I didnt really mind that much.)

Mama has lost most of her hair and now that I think about it, it's really not that bad. She now wears a bandanna when going out, which is actually kinda cute. :) we have yet to see this cycle's side effects (vomiting, nausea, exhaustion, etc.) and I'm hoping it wont be worse than the last time. 

Me, I've been feeling extra tired the past couple of days. I've been sneaking naps in the office (sorry boss!) because I could barely sleep at home. going to work last Friday was really hard for me cause I just wanted to sleep in until Monday. sigh. 

I just kept reminding myself that I'm doing this for my family, for Mama especially. I normally like doing what I do but there are just some days that I feel like giving up and throwing a big old tantrum. Thankfully, this is where James comes in and he just hugs all the stress and exhaustion away. 

Thank you Lord for my family, without them I dont know how I could even do all these. 

p.s.

thanks also for sending the rain! :)

 

James Sleeping I

I love, love taking pictures of James while he's sleeping. He looks so innocent. it's so cute. LOL! :)

 I was supposed to sleep but obviously we have no pillows left.

We planned to watch two movies back to back but look at why weren't able to. haha. :) 

"five minutes!"

--

I think I have a few more of these. Will post as soon as I find them. (i love you hon! mwahahaha..)

stepping it up

In contrast to most girls out there, I have never really been fond of putting on make-up, going to the salon, shopping for hours, heck I don’t even like massages. Crazy, I know. The husband even likes massages waaay more than me. Yes I’m a girl, just not the girly girl. I’m so low-maintenance, I don’t even wear perfume (I’m allergic to most of them). I’m what one would call anti-kikay. Hahaha.

But lately I’ve been feeling the urge to step it up a bit. Maybe blush or something? I don’t know. I’m so clueless to these things I don’t even know where to start. Waaah. Help? Anyone?

hmm. maybe a haircut or something.

midweek ramblings

After a day of pineapple juice and neozep plus some TLC from James (naks!), I'm feeling much better, thank God. I still feel more tired than usual though, so I think rest is still in order. oh and no cooking still because I might still have germs. eww. not good.

I've been worried about our finances lately. Well no, it's not like we suddenly dont have money to buy our neccesities or anything like that but Chemo isn't exactly cheap. In fact the cost is so huge I have had nightmares over it. At the back of my mind, I know we'll be able to get through this but the worrywart in me seems to be working overtime these days. sigh.

I just feel a bit helpless. My parents have never asked me to pay for anything, not even a single centavo. Of course I get the usual "blowout" ribbing but as for household expenses, I have never been asked to contribute, EVER. But with the medical expenses piling up, I think it's high time I pitch in. The thing is, i'ts not like I'm earning a lot and with the other bills James and I have to pay, I honestly dont know where to get the money to help out. ugh.

On a lighter note, Mama is doing good. She has been a bit dizzy from the chemo meds but it was actually less than what we were expecting. No hair loss yet, probably by next week. I honestly want the hair loss thing to happen ASAP cause I'm so crazy scared of it I just want to get it over and done with. (I secretly want to shave Mama's head but I dont think she'll let me. LOL.)

It has been really tiring lately but I actually like doing the household stuff. At least it makes me feel I'm actually doing something  useful cause I have yet to figure out the whole financial contribution thing. Thank God for James who has been really patient with me, especially when I'm cranky (which is more or less everyday. haha).

We're planning a trip to Tagaytay soon, specifically to attend a healing mass for Mama, but we're still a bit wary of her immune system. So we'll see. Hopefully we'll be able to go. We really need the vacation, albeit a very short one. keeping my fingers crossed!

colds.

I thought it was just my Rhinitis acting up but after a couple of days of non-stop sneezing, I think it's turning into a full-blown cold. nooooooooo! This is so not the time to get sick. ugh. I hate this.

please fix me.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

--
my thoughts exactly. please somebody, fix me.

no, not yet.

Most of my posts here talked about having kids and how we get pestered by relatives and friends asking us to bear a child soon. I have also talked about my frustrations about how we can’t seem to have one, no matter how hard we tried. (okay so technically it was just for a few months and statistics indicate it takes normal healthy couples a minimum of a year to conceive, so it really doesn’t count. but still we did try, just not that hard.)

I think I mentioned a few months back how James and I decided to forego having kids this year. I was a bit sad but I knew it was for the best. We’re just not financially ready and after seeing some friends and relatives go through hell because they had a baby and they were not financially prepared, that just strengthened our resolve to at least try to plan for the future, our future. No, we’re not using pills or whatever form of contraceptive, we’re basically just not trying as hard to get pregnant as compared to a few months ago. Plus with both of us working, we practically have zero time to even think about having kids. LOL. :)

Looking back, I think it was really the smartest decision we made. With Mama sick, I honestly do not see how a baby would fit in all of this. Our hands are just too full right now. So much so that I actually feel a tiny bit blessed that we don’t have kids yet because at least I can focus more of my energy to taking care of Mama, Papa and James.

 

Although there would be times I’d still get a bit wistful about not having kids yet, a part of me feels that this really is just not the right time. It will come, just not now. And if in case it doesn’t, I'm pretty sure God has other plans for me and James. And yes, though I still do get irked when I get asked the pregnancy question, especially if they keep insisting that we have one right this very moment, but slowly I have learned to deal with it, so that’s another blessing. :)

The Big C

So Mama has Cancer. Yes, CANCER. The Big C, CA. We were first told it was Stage 0, then after the mastectomy they found another cyst, which turned out to be Stage 1 then it turns out you have to add the sizes of both cysts (which the surgeon, I suppose, forgot to do) and now she's Stage IIA. Crazy, I know.

I cant speak for the rest of my family but it has been especially hard for me. I've been putting up a front with everybody, laughing, making jokes, etc but once in a while I would just burst into tears (like now). I try to busy myself with cooking, working and taking care of some stuff around the house but this whole thing haunts the rest of my waking, even sleeping hours.

It amazes me how Mama is so calm about this. From the diagnosis, to the mastectomy to the announcement that she's actually has Stage IIA cancer, she has been very strong and calm. Me? Well I'm a big bucket of nerves and tears. Thank God for James who tries to keep me strong and pushes me to have faith that all will be well. 

I try to keep a positive outlook but there are times when I just want to curl up into a ball and just cry the days and nights away. Not that it would help, but sometimes I feel like I just want to vanish, to escape. I just want things to be back to normal so badly, it really really hurts. 

This Friday we're starting chemo. Again I am scared to bits but I just keep on telling myself if Mama can be strong, why can't I? I draw my strength from her and from the rest of my family and friends. I have to do this. Scratch that. I CAN DO THIS. WE CAN DO THIS.