daydreaming

dear hon,

it’s 11 am on a Thursday morning. I know I’m supposed to try and sleep to get ready for work tonight, but you know me, I sleep late. :)

anyway, I was reading through my favorite blogs, willing myself to sleep, it’s not really working but what the heck, I like it. the posts got me daydreaming about what we could have been doing if only we were together.

1. Binondo Food Wok

I remember I mentioned this to you once, you said go but I had to say no because of the expense. (kuripot alert!) but just now I read of one blogger going on the trip with just a map and a list of restaurants to try. I’m thinking that’s more cost efficient and more adventurous (adventurous = maan, yeah right! hahaha..).

I know we’re really bad with directions, (okay I’M bad with directions) but we did get a lot of practice back when we were still in wedding planning mode, right? minus our screaming fits, (okay MY screaming fits) I’m thinking this would be perfect for us, dont you think so? plus we love to eat, heck I gained 10++ pounds the last time you came back home and I’m still working on getting them off, three months later. ahaha. :)

 

2. concerts, plays, etc.

watching Hairspray with you was one of the most special nights of my life and since then I longed for us to share another night of music and culture. if not for  the uber expensive tickets, I would have dragged you to every show there was last December.

this year there’s Cats and Rent and Legally Blonde and all other musicals that I really wish I could watch with you. Also I would have given in to the pricey APO tickets if you were here to watch it with me.

honestly I cannot believe you actually enjoy these things. did I luck out or what? :)

 

3. Boracay + Aklan + Iloilo

those 5 days in Iloilo two years ago were a blast. I loved every bit of it, from the beach to the food, to the people. I have not told you this but I was actually a bit scared that I’d bore you on that trip. We didnt have anybody else with us (well except for family in Iloilo) and I was a bit apprehensive you wont enjoy yourself as much as you did the last time you were there with friends. now I’’m still not sure if you did get bored but I sure as heck did not. oh and did I say I loved every single minute of it? :)

you shared Iloilo with me and I would really, really love to share Aklan with you. I have told you dozens of stories about the place and I wish I could let you experience it firsthand. I havent been to Boracay in years and I would love nothing else but to come back there with you in tow. besides Boracay will always be a paradise  and a party island all in one so I’m pretty sure you’d love it. (wink, wink..)

Sigh. I have so much more daydreams, more places to go see and more trips I want to take but I guess the bottomline of all this is I really wish we were not apart.

look I get it, we’ve had this talk dozens of times, but I really really REALLY wish we’re together and not thousands of miles apart.

I miss you everyday, you dont even know how much.

I love you, always..

maan

3 am ramblings

My self-imposed consultation to an OB is nearing and I am getting really antsy. I’m scared as hell.

What if they tell me I dont get to have kids? Just the thought of having to explain that to everybody is something I cannot even wrap my head around in. Not to mention the thought  or even the reality of being a failure and incomplete.

I am harder on myself than anybody else. I tend to beat myself up for every little failure or embarrassment. If the doctors tell me I dont have the capacity to bear a child, how bigger a failure can I possibly get?

Last week one of my cousins had a baby and I know you’re supposed to be happy and all but I was really envious. It’s wrong, not to mention pathetic but I can’t help it. Everytime I see a kid or I hear somebody gets pregnant, I get greener than the Hulk. It doesnt help that we can’t even try to have kids because James is not here.

Nobody understands. Nobody. They all think I’m nuts and that adds salt to the wounds. I try to play it cool, but deep inside, I cry and I ache.

Sometimes I wish somebody would just get me, understand my feelings and my thoughts, hug me tight and tell me everything is gonna be alright. Even if I probably wont believe them, just the thought that somebody cares that much, would be really great.

bittersweet

Just spoke with James. He had news that was bittersweet. I guess I’ll just be praying that everything will fall into place. Sigh.

Sometimes I wish I grew up in a family where my parents had to work abroad, maybe that way I’ll be more open to its realities, that way it would have been easier to accept if a loved one misses a birthday or an anniversary or Christmas.

Lord, please let everything fall into place. If not, please give me the strength to understand.

Amen.

..

sometimes I just want to be missed..

why?

why do i keep hoping for something that will probably never happen anyway? it’s like i’m setting myself up for failure. pathetic. really pathetic.

maybe it’s about i just take care of it on my own. no expectations = no hurt feelings.

--

i just want somebody to care..

.. to make the extra effort

.. to bridge the gap

.. to take the time

 

anyone?

sickly ramblings

I have been feeling like hell for the past couple of days. On and off cough and colds coupled with fever practically drained every energy I have in my body.

I braved work Monday but by Tuesday afternoon, I was depleted. Called in sick, never got a confirmation from my boss. I was pissed off. I mean, isn’t confirming part of basic decency? Waited until about 11pm, still had not gotten any reply. Whatever. If that’s how she wants to play it, then I’m game.

Came to work Wednesday night, I was still sick. So sick that I forgot my ID and had to get papa to bring it for me. Sigh. What a day. November feels like eons away. I want to quit, NOW. I don’t know how long I can take this kind of treatment or how long my patience will last.

haay life

mahirap pala pag nawalan ka na 
ng respeto sa isang tao, 
ang hirap ibalik.

a little rant

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the world’s most positive person. Heck I don’t even come close. But lately I have been noticing that more and more people tend to look for the negative in another person. It seems like we tend to gear towards putting down other people instead of trying to pull them up.

Like the past couple of months I have been telling a friend how much weight he has lost and every single time another person, who was really not part of the conversation in the first place, would chime in saying otherwise.  

Or if you see someone you haven’t seen for a long time, you can bet on it that someone, somewhere would always say: “ang taba mo..” or “ang laki ng tinaba mo..” or “lumulusog ka ata..”

I know us Filipinos usually find it funny when we make fun of others but it has been getting on my nerves lately.

funny!

on marriage:

Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married.. :)

on a health kick

For about three weeks now I have been on a health kick.  Well, not really a huge one, but I have been making different choices here and there. I buy my own groceries now (more fruits and veggies).  I have eliminated eating white rice completely, planning to delve into buying brown rice soon, maybe next week. I also keep a daily food journal to keep track of calories.

The biggest step I have done so far is I have been trying to exercise at least 4 days a week, about an hour a day.  Those who are close to me know how big a deal this is because I’m probably the most unsporty (if that’s even a word) person on this side of the Earth, And I really don’t like to sweat, so exercise is a huge, huge step. Haha. J

Despite all the health stuff, I still have a few sweet treats here and there, just to satisfy the cravings. I’d probably go crazy and give it all up if not for my treats. Although I try to keep the portions controlled and I try to make smarter decisions as well. (no to ice cream!)

I haven’t lost as much weight as I would like to have lost but at least I’m taking the steps. I started this whole health thing initially to lose weight but as each week passes, the objective seems to change as well, which I think is good.

I give myself little goals just to track my progress. Two weeks ago my goal was to eliminate rice, which I was successful in (thank God!). I lived on whole wheat bread and kamote and boiled saba and lettuce, lots and lots of lettuce. Hahaha. I would still eat ulam but I avoided the rice. It wasn’t that hard cause I’m not really a rice person. 3 weeks no rice and counting. Feels great. J

This week my goal is to eliminate red meat and try to stick with chicken and fish. Unlike the rice goal, which was easy peasy, this no red meat thing is hell, seriously. I live for pork.  I love everything pork. Beef not so much, but I really really miss my porky pork. Sigh. L Crossing my fingers I’ll last until Sunday, but so far so good.  :)

wish me luck everyone! :)