sparkless

So many things have been happening yet I have so very little energy to write about them. I miss the days when I can just sit in front of my laptop and write the day away. I'm just not inspired I guess. Too tired from work maybe?

Crossing my fingers I'll find my spark once again.

riding it out

I've said this before and here I am saying it again: I'm not a big people person. I'm not fond of parties, not a fan of socializing. I have an extremely short attention span with crowds. I like going out, going on trips and all that type of stuff, but I prefer being with just a handful of people, specifically just my immediate family. call me anti-social.

The husband is the exact opposite. He thrives at parties, gets antsy when he is unable to go out, unable to connect with the rest of the world. He likes talking to people, being with people. That's him, in a nutshell. Again, truly the exact opposite of me.

Sometimes I wish he'd just focus on us for one whole day, forget about everybody else and just be together, period. I know I could probably demand him to do that but then again every single time I think about it, I feel guilty because I know he loves nothing more than being with the rest of the world. So why the heck would I want to take that away from him?

It's just that there would be times when I would feel like he actually prefers being with other people than me. I honestly dont know if there's truth to that or not. I have not discussed this with him and I dont have plans of doing so, well not in the near future at least, as I actually already feel selfish and petty just for thinking about it. 

I dont know, he'd probably say: well we're together everyday anyway, so what's a couple of days? Well yeah, but it's mostly during workdays and I'm usually too tired to even cook. I would always look forward to weekends when I actually have the energy to go out with him, watch a movie or something but the past couple of weeks, it seems as if he just could not wait to go out and drink with his friends or  just be with somebody else other than me.

I guess that's what happens when you've been with someone for such a long time. You've been together most of your adult life and there comes a point when you become tired of talking and being with just that one person and you then have this great big urge to reconnect with the rest of the world. I guess he gets bored? I dont know.

No, it doesnt mean love has faded or anything serious like that, but I guess you begin to lose that part of you that wants to be with that one single person, day in and out, the part that actually enjoys planning stuff to do together, nobody else, just the two of you. Ugh. I could kill myself now. Why the heck do I even think this way? I sound so self-absorbed, I hate it. 

There would be days when I would actually toy with the idea of trying to embrace the whole social scene, try to be more like him, I guess. But then again, that's not me. That has never been me. Here I am trying to understand who he really is, would I really want to pretend to be somebody who I am clearly not? Would I really want him to love somebody who's just all smokes and mirrors, pretending to like something I clearly dont, just to be with him? No, I dont think so. That just sounds fake to me.

This kills me, but no, I'm not gonna say anything to him. The last thing I would want is to be that kind of wife, the kind that takes the husband away from something that clearly makes him happy. I vowed to love him for who he is and this is part of him, so yes I will love that part as well. In the meantime, I'll try to ride this one out until I reach the same stage he is at. yep, that's what I'm gonna do.